We came, we saw, we assaulted...

Hey people. Sunday was completely epic. My and Trusty Pam did the Minneapolis Urban Assault Race. This is basically a giant crazy scavenger hunt/ bike race all over the city of Minneapolis (I put about 30 miles on the bike, counting getting lost once) where you have to locate all these "checkpoints" and perform various stunts at each one.

Oh-- I almost forgot. It's not a RULE that you have to wear a costume, but you can, and they seem to dig that. This last bit sort of sealed the deal. I HAD to do this, and Trusty as ever, Pam was also way into it. This was our get-up. (On the back of my helmet it says "rides like a girl." This is just normal, not part of the costume.)

Our team name was "Finger Twist Of Doom", named after an idiosyncratic gesture I'm known for. (When I get all worked up about something I tend to hold my index finger up and rotate it a-la super villain plotting to blow-up the world style. Very menacing. If you are a cartoon.)

So we were "Finger Twist Of Doom", because THIS is one thing...

THIS is a nuthaaah..... Menacing huh? It looks like we're saying in very quiet girl voices, "Um, we're number one. If nobody minds or anything."

Our "theme" was, "We're fierce, and fancy, and kind of fast." See how we're modeling our nail polish? This IS quite fancy for me. Like our skull socks? I stand by our theme. Win!

We're also goony as hell, so there was no way this was not going to be a ton of fun no matter how it turned out.

Right away my suspicions were confirmed-- Not that many people costumed it up. This IS Minnesota. People are pretty damned normal here. These girls were supposed to be chickens. We asked them what their team name was and one of them looked kind of embarrassed and said something like, "Um, Janet and Emily."

These girls looked pretty fun. At least they busted out some spray paint. On the backs of their legs it says, "2 hands - 2 drinks". Also you'll note they're wearing underwear outside their pants. I'm going to interpret this as some kind of superhero thing rather than a skank thing, and call it a win. We did not talk to them so didn't get their team name.

Before the race even began tragedy nearly struck. I was finishing up in one of the porto potties when my pinky accidentally grazed the "boy area" (urinal). I know. (shudder) I emerged on the verge of tears, holding my entire hand, glistening with disinfectant gel, before me like a dead animal. I considered amputation, but thought I might wind-up needing two hands for some of the challenges, so just shook it off. I know. I'm a trooper like that. Nerves of steel people.

Here was the first stunt we encountered. This was a lot harder than it looks because you had to steer the longboard to various tubs and grab a can out as you went by. There MAY have been a tiny amount of cheating here when we found ourselves stuck in a corner. Maybe.

There was also one where T Pam threw water-soaked sponges into a laundry basket with my head inside it, but we didn't get pics of that one. The sponges broke two prongs off my tiara. Pam got to be *most fancy* for the rest of the day after that-- until her entire tiara got busted off in the giant inflatable obstacle course, but that was the very last challenge.

Here's another thing we did. A three legged race with a plate with 3 balls balanced on the toes of our shared foot. Pretty slo-mo to not spill the balls. Excitement added by the near snot bubble emergency I was experiencing for the entire last half of the challenge. My sexiness knows no bounds people. Element of danger also introduced by Pam and I for some reason holding hands like it was our first date for the whole race-- my germ encrusted hand. She's probably lying dead in her house at this very moment now.

Here we had to ride around some cones with a bowl of water balanced on our heads. Easy.

But our very favorite thing of all-- was the adult big wheels. You had to race though this little course they had flagged-out. Found out at the first curve-- no brakes. SUPER fun skidding around turns. I was pretty good at this.

After the whole race was done we went over and played on them some more.

Who says kids get to have all the fun?

I felt like I rode the whole race on half my lungs and one nostril. This is pretty accurate actually. I got a bug a couple days ago and felt pretty crappy, having to blow my nose tons at every pit stop.

Earlier in the week I had to go get the high test pseudoephdrine they keep behind the counter at the pharmacy. They worry about people buying this to make meth with.
Girl behind counter, "Are you sure you're not going to make meth with this?"
Me, "Why? Will meth make this disease go away faster? How do you make meth? What else should I buy?"
(Edit to add: okay, this conversation didn't really happen, but this morning when I woke up I was, at first, certain my pillow had actually dented my head during the night, and that I had acquired the ability to communicate with marine life by shifting around the baleen stored in my cranium.)

We did pretty well on this ride really, especially considering we rode giant "dork bikes" (heavier than road bikes, that you ride upright like the mean lady in The Wizard Of Oz.) We didn't even come close to winning, but we weren't last, and had fun.

I had ambitions to get tons of friends on board for this thing, but, not surprisingly, none of my pals but T Pam think biking 30 miles and doing a bunch of nutty stunts sounds fun. Cool Trail Boss Rich did it with a friend of his he called "The Hippy," so we hung out with them a little after.

This guy was super hairy. He basically had a pelt on his face. He was walking by and I said, "Hey, are you 'TheHippy'?" and he smiles and goes, "Yeah, that's me," and never told me his name, but I think it was Trent. (Edit to add: I guess his name is Troy, and he was really nice. If you had some innate fear of say, Bigfoot, he could probably get you over it. ;D)

At the after party there was more craziness-- a bike limbo contest, mustache competition, tiny bike "circle of death", etc. Supposedly there was a dance-off too, but we left before that fired-up. Pam goes, "Maybe we should show them some of our awesome moves," and for a second I did play a little movie in my head of us performing some "routine" where we really shook it hard, and did that thing where you pretend to spank each other etc. Of course I would probably place my entire bare hand on the urinal before I'd actually DO this in public.

She was referring to the one time we took a hip-hop dance class at the gym we both used to belong to. It was a whole room full of the whitest, most hipless-hopless-hopeless women you've ever seen in your life. We laughed our asses off. (Fo-shizzle yo.) Noticing any recurring theme here?

When they put up results I'll let you know how we did. These are the top 3 women's teams. Look how awesome! The 2nd place team (right) were both over 50. They seemed really cool and commented how much they liked our outfits so obvious have super good taste too. The third place team (left) looked like they were in their 40's and their team name was "cougar" something, so I'm guessing over 40.

I'm really glad we did this, and that I have a nutty gal pal like T Pam to hang out with.