Images of summer

Hey people. The tribe doesn't actually roll in until Fri now. They're bunking at my parents house until then so I don't have little kids hanging off me quite yet. I decided this momentary oasis of serenity is a good time to share some of my summery photos with you and give you all the SueNews that's fit to print, and probably a lot that isn't too.

This moss covered bridge goes over a tiny stream at my place. I know. It's magic here.

Things around here are pretty normal- for us. Last night I was whining about Dan taking a hundred years to get ready to watch a movie with me. "Don't you know you're supposed to be over here paying attention to me? Let the leg rubbing commence NOW." Him, yelling from the kitchen-- "Cut it out out there. NO CRYING. I'LL tell YOU when it's movie time." Then we got into one of our who is the bigger boss of who deals where I then told him he was no longer allowed in the living room, or to look at me until I gave him permission and tried to predict his actions and order him to perform said actions just as he was doing them making me look like the total puppet master. Yes, it was hilarious.

He is of course practically beside himself, as I'm sure are all of you, anticipating the arrival of my ruffle shorts. I keep pointing out how much better every outfit will be once I have them. They're "in the mail" I'm told.

I'm feeling another bout of ballistic boredom coming on, where the need to hype the fun becomes more urgent. (Last night I redid my blue hair streaks after my run. For those of you thinking mid-life-crisis-- I've actually been weird a really long time now.)

A while ago when I had that Floatilla party I was trying to talk Dan into helping invent the world's biggest slip 'n' slide with me but he wasn't into it. Then that commercial for Smirnoff Ice came on showing people doing exactly what I wanted-- making a giant slip 'n' slide on a golf course at night. I was all, "SEE?!" And he was all, "Yeah-- see?! they're all, like, 20 years old. Our friends are all around 50. No one would slide on it with you." Typical. (pouts)

This feeling is coming at a good time for once, what with my life soon to be chock full of kiddies. I'm thinking playtime could get pretty intense, and possibly weaponized with supersoakers etc. Also, I have not given up on the super fun slidey ideas. Next winter I'd like to create a luge down the side of my driveway. I could go get my mail with my saucer sled every day.

I had a super freaky dream the night before last. There were these creatures that were sort of a cross between a squid and a catfish, and they were kind of see through and gelatinous (gross). I was all creeped out by them, but then was somehow assigned to walk them through some transformations-- one creature in particular. First it turned into a human child, then from a human into a cat. I was teaching it how to bear weight on it's limbs and get it used to gravity etc. Then I felt all custodial and maybe not exactly affectionate towards it, but good about it. Then I began to worry about the rest of the squid creatures but was told they'd already been transformed and were now cats.

This is probably a further sign my brain is super screwed-up.

All I did all weekend was work on my new sculpture. Today I HAVE to work on this one commission because I told the guy I'd have it done by tomorrow and he's a nice guy and I don't want to be unreliable. But I totally just want to work on the new lady.

Creatively things have really swung 180 for me. I used to listen to nothing but books on tape when I worked, then it was ipod central, lately it's been The Current (the cool hip public radio station that plays tons of indie music) all the way. Also, not very long ago I was so obsessed with my writing that I'd almost rather hang out in pretend land than the real world. I could hardly think of anything else and felt my whole life would be one huge zero if I didn't get published.

Lately I've had to be in welding mode and stuff with me and Dan hasn't been conducive to me writing all night into the wee hours ignoring him, so it's been a while since I really worked on that stuff. The other day I actually couldn't remember how my last novel ended. That kind of blew my mind. I had to really think about it. I guess this is good-- getting some distance. I know it'll be there when I go that direction again. I'm not quitting, but I have to make some $ now and so far no one's paying me to write unpublished novels.

And lastly-- just a friendly reminder-- you, me, and everyone we know is going to die, so, heads up on that. :D Not to be grim, but there seems to be rather a lot of this going on lately, and it IS inevitable. It's a really good idea to not waste your time on stupid crap like bitching about things that don't matter and you can't change, and to keep putting off stuff you want to do "someday." It's also a good idea to imagine every conversation you have with people important to you could be your last. You never know. Leave stuff in such a way you'd be okay with that.

This has reminded me my plan to die in my 120's, just after Dan (or whoever Mr.Sue is at that time should Dan be no longer around) (who has become a chocolate chef and massage therapist btw) has prepared me some amazing desert and given me a lengthy rub down and done all kinds of naughty stuff with me on a giant bed of flower petals, and we've begun writing overly personal stuff all over me with a sharpie marker and laughing super hard------ might not pan out. We don't usually get to plan it out, so just keep it in mind and live in such a way you won't be all pissed if it happens next week suddenly, or if someone is taken away suddenly too.

Keep those weird wed and fav music fri submissions rolling in folks. Got some good ones lately. Time to go weld. It's super nice out today. I'm thinking a lunchtime road ride might be in order.

I'm totally getting these you guys...

I have an announcement to make. I'm getting these, and for the rest of the summer I'm wearing them with either cowboy boots or dork socks, and here's why.



Check out Those Darlin's singing (singin', actually) "Wild One." At the end she really let's a "WOO!" rip, so if you feel the need-- here's your big chance of the day to whoop your lungs out.



I am super busy with work right now, insanely actually, and sis is rolling into town Mon with the kiddies. Last time she visited this happened.



And a lot of this...



So I'm not sure how much posting I'll be doing next week. I doubt I'll be on my regular mon, wed, fri schedule, but will try to post updates from the front lines.

Wish me luck.

Edit to add: Lest you think I'm bluffing-- I ordered red AND white. So, if you "drop by"... just sayin'. You've been WARNED.

Weird Wed-WTF, Europe?

Hey people. Okay, I kind of get Europe's obsession with "slag". After all, perv's live on every continent I'm guessing, but this one just baffles me. For some reason I'm getting tons of European hits off this photo-- from me and Trusty Pam's kayak race. Remember?-- me getting my butt kicked by a kiss blowing old lady? Yeah.

Whatever Europe. You freaks. (Except you Jen & Kerri. & Shawn. :) )

The photo below was a reader submission from Karen. It's from a news story about a giant turtle orgy causing airport delays in Jamaica. Not so adorable now are they? And what's up with the numbers? Is this some kind of turtle speed dating gone wild?


Probably my favorite and most disturbing (by far) submission in a long time came in from Slagporter Kris-- who's every bit as weird as me-- more so actually. I kind of copied this right off the Cracked site, so it would be great if you'd all check out the link at the end of this preview to show them some love and alleviate my guilt.

I remember seeing that book he's talking about-- about the psycho stalker mom and the hopelessly screwed-up mommy boy manbaby. I'm pretty sure it was someone I know VERY well's hubs's bedtime story growing up (well, sort of growing up.) EWE is all I can say. EWE and laughing hysterically.

10 Great Books For (Traumatizing) Children

• By: Michael Swaim
• April 21st, 2009
• 416,909 views

Originally, I wanted to write this article because of a book read to me when I was a child called Love You Forever, about a mom who rocks her son to sleep every night of his life.

And I mean every night. When he’s middle aged, she drives to his house while he’s sleeping, climbs through his bedroom window with a ladder, picks him up and rocks him in her lap. I’m assuming he never marries, because, well, let’s not kid ourselves.

Then when his mom is old and bedridden, he returns the favor by rocking her in his lap and screaming “YOU MADE ME THIS WAY!” Sure, the message was one of a mother’s undying love, but as a child all I understood was “Mommy is a crazy stalker, and one day she’ll die.”

But even that macabre tale of parental breaking and entering was swiftly booted off the list by these 10 atrocities. Brace yourselves; we’re talking Giving Tree levels of disturbing here.

#10.

Hiroshima No Pika

The Screwed Up-edness:

As all Westerners know, exactly one important thing happened in Hiroshima. And yes, this book for kindergartners is about that. According to the author, the book is based on a true account of a woman leading her child out of the A-Bomb’s blast radius while carrying her wounded husband on her back. According to the picture on the cover, it’s about women running topless through a sea of blood.

What Were They Thinking?

“Too long have the people of our country felt bewildered sorrow whenever they think of Hiroshima. We must help the new generation come to terms with an event that is, like it or not, a part of our history.”

What Kids Who Read It Think:

“Men from the sky can kill us, our friends and our family at any time. Also, fuck America.”

#9.

Who Cares About Disabled People?

The Screwed Up-edness:

If you’re not already convinced this book was a terrible idea, try reciting the title at a cocktail party and see if you don’t get beat down. And while the book’s answer to the question is actually “we should ALL care about disabled people,” the people it considers “disabled” include fat kids, kids who huff paint, alcoholics, athletes and child prodigies (you know, because they’re so lonely). Maybe I’m not as tolerant as I could be, but the day I see a drunken, paint-huffing basketball prodigy park in a handicapped spot is the day I get arrested for vehicular manslaughter.

What Were They Thinking?

“If kids learn to see that everyone has their own unique imperfections, they will realize that intolerance harms us all.”

What Kids Who Read It Think:

“Great, I’m surrounded by cripples. And you can get high by huffing paint? Who knew? Me, now. Awesome.”

GO HERE to see the whole top ten list and probably ton of other funny stuff.

In other SueNews:

Ribs are still being an A-hole.

Have worked for three days on the face for my new sculpture and have just decided she has dude-chin and I'm super pissed and him/her. Major reconstructive surgery is scheduled for this morning. Absurd levels of profanity expected.

Am still crabby in case you can't tell. Was overheard by Dan saying, "Oh yeah?-- Eff you, world at large," which amused him greatly. I'm really not as hostile and vile as I'm making out. Just milking it a bit. Don't be frightened. ;) (Perhaps a bit perversely, this makes me feel better- making a big stink about nothing. Some people I know are going through absolute hell right now, serious shit. Whistling through the graveyard I guess, and feeling bad for them.)

Have still not heard from AgentCoolAssChicka, but I am way too busy to become a super famous author right now anyway, so am not all that concerned. Perhaps my aloof detachment to this whole sitch will lure her. That would be ironic huh?

Seeing some arty gal pals tonight. Will try to keep a lid on the profanity, and, you know, work harder at being a total delight to be around (like I usually am).

Gator Attack!

Hey people. This is the bridge over at the trail I'm making a sculpture for. Dan and I went over there as part of our playdate yesterday. Someone left a rubber alligator on it so I had to, of course, pretend it attacked me and make Dan take pictures.

Naturally I won. (I got so carried away I sort of hurt my ribs doing this. See people? All to entertain you. I give and I give...) That thing won't mess with ME again.

Actually, no one with any sense will mess with me this week because it's tin foil beanie time again. That's right-- extra profanity--(which I secretly like), and people everywhere suddenly pissing me off with all their bad driving and idiocy. The first symptom appeared last night when we went to Cub. When we hit the bakery department I leapt to the top of the cookie display like a velociraptor and began frantically reading the nutritional information on all the packages. Then I began sobbing, clutching boxes of cookies in each hand, wailing, "WHY? WHY DO ALL THESE COOKIES HAVE TO BE SO FATTENING?--AND, YOU KNOW, DELICIOUS TOO?"

Okay, that only happened in my head, but still. I really wanted to tear into them all like a grizzly bear. In reality, I muttered something anti social about them under my breath and Dan busted out his Sue imitation where he mimics me in a squeaky little girl voice and spreads his fingers apart and widens his eyes. This caused me to flee into the frozen food aisles clutching my ribs yelling , "Stop it! hahahaOW hahahaOW."

The other part of our date was walking along eating wild raspberries on the way to the bridge while I threatened the deerflies with nuclear weapons, "You're lucky I don't have any weapons you effing flies or I would kill you all TO DEATH!" (while waving my arms around and psychotically shaking my head all over) and going to Kohl's where we hit the intimates section and I made Dan look at all the enormous farm lady bras and held up giant horse-sized old lady panties acting like I was going to get them for myself. "These come up to my armpits. I guess that's enough coverage for me."

Our date ended with me making actual food and us renting a movie and him trying, unsuccessfully, to rub my ribs. Neither of us are very psyched about all the orange cones around me right now, but, it is what it is.

The event at the trail Sat was interesting. I'm so amazed at how athletic some people are. Incredible! I wasn't exactly over run with people buying pendants. There weren't any tussles about who saw which one first etc, but it was informative. It's useful to do stuff like that to see what works and what could get better. There's a bigger race in a couple weeks and already I know some stuff I'm going to change up. Pam proved to be trusty, and a really good friend once again by showing up and hanging out with me the whole time, even though it got kind of boring when it was just us sitting there waiting for the racers to come back in. There weren't as many spectators as I thought there'd be.

It was fun talking with people a little more I've met from over there, before and after the race, getting to know them a little more, and meeting some really cool women- spouses and racers. I have a weird personality- as if I need to tell you- where I have a really big mouth in print, and once I get to know them love to give people shit and joke around, but at first I'm shy. So it's good to get past the first couple times meeting people where I feel all awkward.

Wow-- bla bla bla today. I better shut this fascinating post down and get out to the welder. Yesterday I started my new lady for the bridge. It took me five hours to just get a basic framework for the face done, and this morning I looked at her again and need to cut apart the cheekbones and do them over again. I'm already falling in love though. This will be a good one.

Later people. Have a good Monday. Submit disturbia for Wed if you have anything.

Fav Music Fri goes DIY

Hey people. This week's music pic is a new one by Free energy called "Dream city". There isn't a video for it, but I really wanted to use it so we're going to try something a little different. Start the cool video I found of absolutely crazy street biking in France. (The sound has been disabled by youtube.) Then go up and click the play button on the mp3 file. Voila-- we made our own video! (The song is a tiny bit shorter than the video but it still pretty much works.)

Dream city takes me totally back to that feeling of cruising in the summer, sure giganto fun is about to break out at any moment. The wind in your face. The feeling of being totally untethered. Awesome.

I love the chorus- talking about "when you know who you are." It taps into that flywheel feeling I get at times, feeling like a match someone has struck-- burning up, but kind of sad too, because you know fire is consumptive-- it's a fleeting sensation by nature, and, well, you know who you are = kind of a freak. But you have to be okay with that because it is what it is. :)

Anyway, give it a try. Either way check out both the sound file and the vid.

In other SueNews:

Here's some shots of my display for the mtb race tomorrow. This was a lot of fun to do. I'm trying to think out of the box about everything connected to my business right now. One thing I love about going to Axman are the funny signs, so what the hell? Here's my version-- pretend testimonials. (You can click to enlarge any of these. In case you can't tell, all the people are "wearing" my pendants. I've pinned actual pendants to the pictures.)






Hee hee hee. Well, whatever. I can see my schedule is packed from now until christmas so if this is going to work I need to have fun with it.

Otherwise I'm kind of bummed I'm still off Penny, but am trying to make the best of it by running. I have one broken rib and one cracked, so, boo on that. Once again my bird-like lady bones have wussed out on me, although I'm not that suprised. It was a pretty spectacular "dismount".

Well, time to go fire up the welder. Have a good weekend peeps.

Weird Wed Returns!

Hey people. This was one of the first things I saw at Second Hand Rose's in buffalo last week. I love this place so much I want to make out with it. It is always, always at least as weird as me and that is a rare quality.

I looked and looked for Little Mister Sunshine. Finally I asked Rose about him and she said, (as if all this was completely normal)- "Oh, he's at home today. He wouldn't sit on his horse the right way, so I went with heads this month." I HEART her so bad you guys.

The woman is a genius. I want to be her when I grow up except we all know that will never happen.


I was so bummed when I loaded this one this morning because I super want a marching band hat. I was so mesmerized by the weirdness I totally overlooked the hat itself. Maybe it will still be there next month.

Okay, This one might be just me. But come on people-- the blank staring eyes? The poking out butt? It's a little creepy somehow.

I guess when your hobby is taxidermy you're kind of up for stuffing anything.

You know what they say-- you have to hump a lot of frogs...

Once again I'm baffled by the ways of academia.

All I can say is yes, "no pants" usually = somehow cooler.

In other SueNews: Tahdahhhh! Letters! Behold the sign for my open house Aug 2nd. Glittery red paint = cool too.

Also I've arranged to set up a tent and schlep my wares at a couple of bike races this month at the trail. I'm experimenting with a den of iniquity theme-- having a cool little hang out area with treats and relaxy chairs etc. Hopefully the mtb crowd will think my bike gear pendants = cool.

If anyone wants to come visit me, the first race (a ride and run duathelon) is at Hillside park in Elk River (behind Walmart) Sat morning. Remember, me, free treats, the chance to see numerous mtb nutballs go flying over jumps etc, could be fun.... Race starts at 9:00 a.m. Probably will wrap-up around 1:00.

For all those of you who've asked about how I am after my gnarly crash last week-- thanks, and I'm pretty much fine. I may have removed the caution tape a little prematurely though. Had a bit of a rib setback, but that's already doing much better too. I was trying to proceed as normal after the first day because I didn't want to get stiff, and I think stuff heals faster is you move around, blood flow etc. I did, er, let's just say something I should not have, that basically made my eyes practically pop out of my head. I think a rib kind of moved out of place, but it popped back when I went running and took some really deep breaths.

It sucked the day it was messed up though because Dan kept trying to crack me up, making me laugh in a reedy, fat-lady-who-just-sucked-on-helium-balloons laugh in agony.

I hope to be back on Penny in a few days. Meanwhile I'm getting used to running in the heat.

Stay weird people. See you Friday, and tomorrow over on the art blog. :)

"It's like lightnin'..."

Hey people. First up for Fav Music Fri we have a reader submission (Thanks Rich Z!). This is so cool, at least check out the beginning-- an a cappella thunderstorm-- then a cool version of "Africa" originally by Toto.



Okay, now I have to fill you in on other SueNews: (and there will be more music too)

So I had my first actual mountain bike crash the other day and it was a doozie. I was at the top of this huge hill when I saw some guys coming up behind me (the trail winds all over so you can see someone pass in front of you through the trees even and they can still be coming from behind). I yelled to Pam that I was going to let them pass, because I knew they'd be bummed to have to follow chicken me down this big exciting hill.

This is the kind of hill that makes "Ballroom Blitz" fire-up in my head-- the part where he screams, "OOOOHHH YEEAHHH-- It's like lightnin'..." In fact, let's just take a quick break to check out bloodied up chicks kicking total ass to that song to get us all in the mood for my harrowing tale of mayhem.



Ok- back to the three bikey dudes.

One of them said, "Thanks, you didn't have to stop though." I go, "Well, I didn't want to become a ramp." Har har-- mtb guy joke-- If you fall down supposedly they can yell "ramp" and use you for a jump. Earlier in the day I'd also joked with my 94 year old grandma about riding. She said it seemed pretty "risky" of me and I said, "Yeah, imagine how hard it will be for me to find gals to ride with when I'm your age." (All I can picture now is 94 year old me exploding into a cloud of dust and moths if this were to happen to super old me.)

So these guys go zooming down and I thought-- "I should quit being such a chicken and just fly down this thing." Zooooom.

Yeah, well, there's a little jump near the bottom that when you're going slow enough is merely a hump. Right when my front wheel got to it I felt gravity piling into me from behind and thought-- "Holy crap-- I'm going to get way more air than I know what to do with." I have no idea how to actually land a jump and pictured myself sort of disintegrating on impact, so I hit the brakes thinking if I could just slow down enough before the apex I could maybe ride it out. Well, didn't have time to really think anything else because I immediately flew over the handle bars and the next thing I knew I was on the ground doing a systems check.

Pam said I basically Super-maned it-- giant, flying, head-first belly flop on solid ground, with Penny tumbling though the air behind me, and then landing on me. (Thank God I broke her fall! Poor Penny!)

I felt like I'd been hit by a car. First thing was, I could breath, and move-- I got out of the way in case anyone was coming. Then I saw blood dripping all over. Pam yells-- "You okay?" Me, "Not good." I know faces bleed like crazy. A facial injury can be not really bad at all and bleed all over. (I learned this when the framework for a dropped ceiling fell on my face when I was trying to trap a pidgeon with a broom at an old job I had once. Long story. Pidgeon-1 Me -0. )

My teeth hurt but they were all in. I didn't want to try to wiggle them too much though. I could see the tip of my nose so knew it wasn't smashed up into my head-- another good sign. I got a hockey puck in the nose once and this hurt at least that bad (another trying to play with boys gone wrong tale).

Pam came over and looked at me and went, "Holy crap!" and got me a leaf to wipe some of the blood off with. Then she goes, "Okay, how do we get out of here?" This was kind of funny-- it's an old joke between us, but is for real too. I always know where we are, but always get left and right screwed up (just saying them, I always know the right direction), and she never knows where we are at all. I was in major pain, shaking like crazy, and kind of spacey, but knew I had a ton of adrenaline on board and had better get moving and get out of the woods while I still could, so we started pushing the bikes out.

The scariest part was that everything went white-- I couldn't see anything. I told her, "Be sure to yell if anyone comes because we are walking against traffic and I can't see shit." Also I couldn't walk straight. I just concentrated on breathing and covering as much ground as possible. When we got to the road I could see better. She rode for the car while I staggered along with Penny.

On the ride home everything went white again and I was sweating and feeling like I could go out any second so I told her to take me to Fairview. By the time we got there and found out they no longer have urgent care I could see again and felt better. So she took me home. I took a super long shower and changed into clean good girl undies and clothes I wouldn't be too bummed to have cut off me just in case things went south and hit the sofa. Dan rubbed my ankle- the only non-hurty part of me and wisely didn't lecture me.

All in all I was lucky. The helmet totally saved my butt. I got a huge bruise on my forehead where it dug in, my nose bled on and off for about a day after but is basically the same shape it was. I got some good bruises on my elbow, knees, hip, and my ribs on one side totally kill, but I'm already feeling way better, and didn't break anything, or even get black eyes or a fat lip like I thought for sure I would.

This was a good lesson. My usual mode is to be cautious. Right before this hill Pam and I had been joking about how-- "Better to be a big chicken than a paraplegic" "Yeah, any kind of plegic = not good." hahaha. Next time I ride this hill it will be at my usual "Driving Miss Daisy" pace. I'm sure my knees will feel a little wobbly but I will do it. This was just one of those learning things. All it takes is a split second bad decision-- but it's still the most fun I've had in years and I'm totally going back over there in a couple days when the ribs feel up to it. :)

Wow. Badass huh?

The only other SueNews is that I decided to have an art open house at the end of July, Aug 2nd that is, and you can find out more about that over on the ART BLOG. Check it out if you're into that kind of thing.