Get your doll on

Hey people. Couple of doll things for you today. First up is THIS LINK (sorry, pic didn't want to cooperate). It takes you to this woman's site who makes babies out of marzipan that are completely amazing. They look totally real. Not sure how she does it-- or more bizarrely why, but they are worth a look for sure. (Thanks Judy- who sent me the info.)

Next up is a video of a local punk band, "Babes in Toyland." Their wiki says their last activity as a band was a reunion tour & album in 2001, but they were kind of a big indie deal in the 90's. This vid features creepy dolls behaving badly so i knew you'd dig it. The song, "He's my thing" is kind of a preview of Feb. Kind of. Mostly it just goes with my current mood. More after the vid-- (Thanks Maery, for reminding me about this song.)

Babes in Toyland |MTV Music

In other SueNews:

I'm not into Valentine's day, but for some reason have gotten it into my head Feb should be "Gettin' It On Feb" here on the blog (because "effin' Feb" is just a little too coarse.) So all month I'll be featuring music to get busy by, along with other stuff. If anyone has any questions or wants to be set up or anything, I'll see what I can do. I'm quite the lay-relationship therapist. ;)

Writing is going good. The latest novel, "Threat Level Amber" is on track, for now.

Art is going awesome. I was wielding mondo mojo the last week or so making a little heron for a client's birthday and it came out swee--eet. You can check that out on the art blog later today.

Been kind of a tin foil beanie week around here. "I am the greatest man that ever lived..." "I suck and suck and suck and suck and suck." Probably not a bad thing I'm leaving for a few days to go pick up a car Dan bought in Fla. Poor Dan will be trapped in a car for hours and hours with head case me though. Send him good vibes. I should probably make him his own beanie.

My dumb tibia is being an ass again. I went running one day and now it hurts to walk. I'm super bummed. I'm going to go back to the doctor and try to get some better imaging done. Last time I had it checked YoungDoctorHandsome just pressed his thumbs up and down it torturing me and said, "We should have put the rod in," and turned me loose, saying, "It might always hurt." Not effing good enough. I'm pissed about this in case you can't tell.

Fri a Vid will post from the mountain bike race I went to last Sun. More Brad Sucks, who is awesome, so check it out.

Keep voting for the team name from the last post-- Team RAWR is in the lead so far.

That's it. Later peeps. Stay cool, and weird.

Weird Effing Wed- creepy dolls & pseudoprofanity edition

Hey people. Buckle-up is all I can say today. If you are new or squeamish, this post might be a bit much for you. You've been warned. For the rest of you freaks-- here are your creepy dolls. ~tosses at the internets~

Yes-- I'm freaking terrified here. Who wouldn't be of antebellum debutante zombie doll with her motorcycle-ride hairdo. If you look close her little hands are reaching and grasping, ready to entangle themselves in hair, clothing, whatever she can grab. Run!

Yeah, here we go. This appears to be some kind of human trafficking container that has busted open to reveal either Pocahontas, or some woman nabbed from a mountain bike race, Bigfoot, some poor thing who has just given birth to E.T., a giant Edith Bunker, and a fembot.

Is it just me or are there shades of Twilight here? Some super pale boy in clothes from another century looking on, (probably seething with murderous rage), as "Bella", (apparently down from another swoon-fest), is ravaged by a delighted were-skunk, while his pack of were-Cavalier King Charles Spaniels looks on disapprovingly.

Raggedy Andy and his mail order bride. Local women proved too uppity for him, and, you know, thought he was hideous, so he paid $10k for Svetlana. She can't believe her good fortune. Now she is able to live in America-- Land of milk and honey, and clean this guy's house and do his laundry-- and him, and maybe get a part time job at a fast food restaurant someday! (This is almost a true story you guys... That's all I can say about that.)

One clown is crying and the other is screaming in terror as the Easter Bunny pulls his hair & lays the hammer down. First rule of the Easter Bunny's all clown fight club-- You DO NOT talk about Easter Bunny's all clown fight club.

Okay peeps. The rest of this post is probably going to be salted liberally with pseudo & actual profanity, so, if that bothers you, now would be a good time to tune out. Bottom line is I have to make a shit-load more of the effing, effing, S.O.B-ing- Imeanbeeyoutiful trees.

Look at these gorgeous m-effers. I know. I like them too. But I tell you I am SICK TO DEATH of making them!

Yes, it is at my discretion. I could just say, "Nope, sorry-- I'm out," like I have other years. But here's the thing. They sell really well, and times are not just hard for artists (and, er... everyone else) right now, but also for gallery owners. They could make some sure $ off these, and I could use it too, even if I'm only making about half through them, so I feel like I need to suck it up and make about 4 effing dozen more!

The thought sickens me. I was so planning to be "off" by now, spending long hours writing and revising, and screwing off. So far that hasn't happened. I've had a couple days off (literally, like, 2) but otherwise have been still working on art stuff all month. Now that I figured out last night I have to go into full-on tree mode again-- I'm pissed and stressed. I could only sleep for about 5 hours because I kept doing the math in my head-- "Seriously-- I have to make how many??" My wrath, is totally fucking incurred man.

I'm so sick of tasting metal dust in my throat, and soot settling in all my pours and etching the lines on my face-- speaking of-- lines on my face? That is a fucking OUTRAGE too. I only feel, like, fifteen or 30 (depending on the day). I look in the mirror and it's like-- "gasp-- who the eff is that?" I'm tired of my hands hurting and the plates of my skull grinding together when my helmet gets heavy, and coughing all the time and my windpipe getting pasted shut, and my eyes burning.

I'm going to take tomorrow off for some retail therapy, then hit it again straight through until Thanksgiving and hope I can get them all done in one mass session. (which would be a new record to say the least)

Tomorrow I'm going to IKEA, land of all things cool and cheap and seductive for the home, and the Mall Of America-- land of everything, including Auntie Anne's Cinnamon pretzel sticks.

If I find some hot-ass velvet pants or cords in a color I can't resist it could be ON. If I find a cool military/"I'm with the band" black jacket to go with my new fuck-yeah equestrian-ish boots it could so be on. But it probably won't be.

Remember the fierce coat I super wanted (above)? Couldn't bring myself to do it. The purple cords I super wanted? I couldn't pull the trigger until they were on sale for $12 at H&M and came with a free sweater.

This "spree" will probably end much like my annual state fair pig-out mission, where I go there with every intention of completely debasing myself and having to be carted out in a wheelbarrow, only to eat a walleye sandwich and half and order of cheese curds before wussing-out.

I just do not have it in me to be a total spend-thirft gross American consumer, but I'm going to skip-out tomorrow, and not do a lick of work, and consider buying a bunch of shit I don't need, and try to feel all decadent.

Creepy Doll-splosion

Hey people. Last week I took my first whole day off (okay-- almost, did do a tiny bit in the evening) in ages and went on a disturbia safari with pals Linda and Jamie. I was not disappointed. It was almost like the universe was puking creepy dolls all over us!

First stop-- Axman in St. Paul, always a disturbia wonderland. Really, I don't know why people put up with all those obnoxious, loud, incontinent babies when they could just build their own super quiet well- behaved one that could be turned off with the flip of a switch. Instant babysitter!

Then there was this "display". When you're in the store, populated by hipster art geeks and sweaty, palid, hard core nerds collecting electronic components for their unibombs and fembots, stuff like this is all the more creepy. There was tons more, but I'm saving it for future posts.

Then we went to a place Linda and I had hit once about a year ago called "Hunt & Gather" in S. Minneapolis. OMG you guys-- the first thing I saw were these eyes! AAKK!

Then I turned around and saw this...

and this...

and this...

Everywhere we looked there was more creepage! I was in heaven! Check out this display with doll body parts presided over by Jesus-- or possibly some old time-y hippy. (Really-- how do we know?) Plus weird old medical beakers etc are always kind of ick... And look you guys-- globs of unattached hair! EEEEP! A masterpiece of odd!

"Mmmm, I'll have a leg!" It was endless!

If you are into weird, this place is worth the trip.

Look at the attention to detail-- the way they made the antlers pierce the pumpkins, as well as, er... the heads, the eyeless heads...

Just when I thought we'd seen it all, I found this...

and this.

It wasn't all dolls. There was other bizarreness. Look at the tag-- "He's smiling!" Sick. Clearly these people are on the same page as me. See Mom?? See??? It's not just me that's weird!

This was in the basement. Need I say more? Can you imagine being locked in this place after hours?

When they all come to life and begin shambling and floating around and hundreds of disembodied little kid voices begin chanting "Mommy, Mommy..." and crying, and wanting to be picked up? (~shivers~)

Happy Halloween week! Tune in Fri for creeptastic tunes and videos.

Bizzaro Fair

Hey people. Me and my buddy Linda hit the MN State Fair yesterday and this year we did things a little differently-- backwards actually. We called it Bizzaro fair after Superman's look alike nemesis.

Here's Linda enjoying her Summit on a stick.

I had huge plans to pig out at this thing. It's the one day all year I give myself permission to just eat anything I want- no limits. My friend Beth tells the grossest, but most hilarious story about waiting in line for cheese curds one year in sweltering heat, fending off hoards of flies. When she finally reached the front of the line the guy making them was some super hairy, sweaty, fat dude, up to his elbows in cheese curds and batter, with dingle-balls of cheese hanging from his armpit hair. Even this story isn't enough to deter me from wanting them. That's how dedicated I am to pigging-out.

I started strong, hunting down a mini doughnut booth first thing and sucking down the entire bag. Linda asked if I wanted to share one. "Snort-- no." But after the half serving of cheese curds I sucked down next, while slurping my fresh squeezed lemonade, I kind of ran out of gas.

Here was my lunch-- actually not too terribly unhealthy-- a walleye sandwich. Wish the bun was whole grain, but it was gooood. I wound up getting some apples with carmel on them later, but there was so much amazing food there. Every time we passed a booth with nummy gelato, or funnel cake, or salmon on a stick I wished I could be like a cow and just shove more food into one of my five stomachs.

Oh well. Today the payback begins with a loooong run. The sandwich was awesome btw.

Onto other stuff. Every year, the power company sends some old dude to their booth to demo why you shouldn't play on power lines. The display is unfailingly unappealing, and the guy always seems almost eager to fry something.

This year for some reason they lit up Jesus. Really Excell, hasn't that guy suffered enough?

There is another booth there where they sell all kinds of dolls, and these special handmade ones called "reborns" people buy to be their pretend kid. This is beyond creepy to me. It's like enabling their mental illness.

Look- you could take home the saddest little cowpoke in the west. The kid below her on the right is about to blow chunks I guess.

And seriously-- If I was going to adopt some fake kid, why on earth would I get one that's already crying? At least there was no sound card.

This may not look weird on the surface, but it's right smack in the middle of the fair, and is relatively quiet and spotlessly clean. This is our lemonade oasis-- Netterfield's.

They have the neatest, cleanest, prettiest condiment table I've ever seen anywhere. Look-- they even put out fresh flowers! The whole time we were there there was a guy going around constantly cleaning. It's like this every single year.

Near the end we both ran out of steam and sat down for a while to finish our last treats before we headed out. Linda was the first to spot it. "Uh-oh," she said. Me- "What?" "Cheese curd down."

This led to us pretending the cheese curd was alive and quaking with fear every time someone walked by, nearly stepping on it.

We watched, rapt with suspense as person after person narrowly missed squishing the fallen curd. I provided play by play and voices.

This entertained us for a good ten minutes. Bet you wish you were there huh? Eventually someone did nail it. I supplied the appropriate gory death noises. Oh the cheesemanity...

I don't even want to know how much weight I gained from this one day of debauchery. I'm just going to be really good now and double down on the workouts for a couple weeks. I'll look at the scale in a month and see what's what.

Stay weird people.

More Creepy Dolls

Hey people. This lady may look horrified...

But this one is screaming, "beeep beeeep! Back the effing truck up! This is def NOT how I pictured my life turning out! Buck nekkid standing in a giant petrified grandma candy next to a bunch of freakishly huge pencils?! This has got to be some kind of bad dream!"

Here are her gelatinous kids, freshly hatched from their Invasion Of The Body Snatcher pods, and their pet pig, who for some reason is wearing a hat... yeah...

And these are their cousins. I know, hard to believe there could even BE an ugly sister in this scenario, but there you have it.

Here's a whole vat of them, still fresh and jiggly... Good lord- did kids actually play with these hideous things? Almost as gross as actual babies.

"Okay- the last thing I remember is setting my glass on the bar for a second to dig my cell out of my stoopid purse. Now I've woken up in this cardboard coffin wearing nothing but giant ruffle shorts (that aren't at ALL sexy) and these weird nurse shoes, next to a... wtf?-- dentist chair?!"

A rare photo of Casper's shotgun wedding.

Hey! A dog show! I love those!

Wow. Tonto really looks upset. We won't go into all the possible reasons relating to the insensitive use of Native American stereotypes, or why the toy company decided to make his hands so... ready to grab a pole, or something... Because we know the real reason he's so bummed is that--

His nephew Jerry is coming to visit. Does this kid look like a total smart ass or what? I can't make him say anything that doesn't come out in an Elmer Fudd voice.

On an unrelated note. My buddy Danger Josh has this thing he calls wolfshirtfriday, which pretty much entails wearing a wolf T-shirt to work on Fri. This is his latest wolfy accquisition:


Here is just one of the reviews of it on Amazon-- Read the whole thing-- WORTH IT.


13,700 of 13,826 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Dual Function Design, November 10, 2008

By	B. Govern "Bee-Dot-Govern" (New Jersey, USA) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

You can find more hilarious reviews HERE. Apparently this shirt has amazing chick magnetizing powers. (eyes go all spiraly as I begin to fall under its spell) (slaps self in face-- whew! Close one!)

Also-- I've recently awesomeized my Time Suck Central Section-- Adding some stuff like Josh's blog- "The Danger Files"- found in the new category- "Other Rad and Cool Peeps" Check them all out. They're all rad, and y'know... cool and stuff. Untold lunch hour's worths of entertainment. Really, this is a one stop shop of awesomeness n'est pas?

Oh!- almost forgot. If you want to make me feel all popular and stuff you can now sign up to be a "follower". I think if you do you need to start sending me 10% of your income or something-- I don't make the rules-- or wait, maybe now I DO... Wow, I have a lot of stuff to think about. Catch you all later. (Goes shopping for flowing robes and staffs and shit)

Stay weird, (and rad and cool). ;)

Weird Wed Returns!

Hey people. This was one of the first things I saw at Second Hand Rose's in buffalo last week. I love this place so much I want to make out with it. It is always, always at least as weird as me and that is a rare quality.

I looked and looked for Little Mister Sunshine. Finally I asked Rose about him and she said, (as if all this was completely normal)- "Oh, he's at home today. He wouldn't sit on his horse the right way, so I went with heads this month." I HEART her so bad you guys.

The woman is a genius. I want to be her when I grow up except we all know that will never happen.


I was so bummed when I loaded this one this morning because I super want a marching band hat. I was so mesmerized by the weirdness I totally overlooked the hat itself. Maybe it will still be there next month.

Okay, This one might be just me. But come on people-- the blank staring eyes? The poking out butt? It's a little creepy somehow.

I guess when your hobby is taxidermy you're kind of up for stuffing anything.

You know what they say-- you have to hump a lot of frogs...

Once again I'm baffled by the ways of academia.

All I can say is yes, "no pants" usually = somehow cooler.

In other SueNews: Tahdahhhh! Letters! Behold the sign for my open house Aug 2nd. Glittery red paint = cool too.

Also I've arranged to set up a tent and schlep my wares at a couple of bike races this month at the trail. I'm experimenting with a den of iniquity theme-- having a cool little hang out area with treats and relaxy chairs etc. Hopefully the mtb crowd will think my bike gear pendants = cool.

If anyone wants to come visit me, the first race (a ride and run duathelon) is at Hillside park in Elk River (behind Walmart) Sat morning. Remember, me, free treats, the chance to see numerous mtb nutballs go flying over jumps etc, could be fun.... Race starts at 9:00 a.m. Probably will wrap-up around 1:00.

For all those of you who've asked about how I am after my gnarly crash last week-- thanks, and I'm pretty much fine. I may have removed the caution tape a little prematurely though. Had a bit of a rib setback, but that's already doing much better too. I was trying to proceed as normal after the first day because I didn't want to get stiff, and I think stuff heals faster is you move around, blood flow etc. I did, er, let's just say something I should not have, that basically made my eyes practically pop out of my head. I think a rib kind of moved out of place, but it popped back when I went running and took some really deep breaths.

It sucked the day it was messed up though because Dan kept trying to crack me up, making me laugh in a reedy, fat-lady-who-just-sucked-on-helium-balloons laugh in agony.

I hope to be back on Penny in a few days. Meanwhile I'm getting used to running in the heat.

Stay weird people. See you Friday, and tomorrow over on the art blog. :)