The fuse is lit people

Hey people. First of all the sliding party is officially canceled.

I'm still totally having it, but will reschedule it when it's a little warmer, and maybe after another snowfall. The hill over there is hard as a frigging rock right now, and besides, tons of you guys liked this idea, but have either wussed because of the bitter cold, or will be out of town, so.... I'll let you know when I reschedule. It will be ON though-- mark my words.

Since everyone is thinking of resolutions right now I just thought I'd add my two cents. We do this every year-- think about our lives and make a bunch of promises to ourselves. Some of them we keep, some seem to get put on the back burner.

This is my grandma. She's 94 (or 5, there seems to be a slight controversy over this 1% margin of error). This pic is from a few years ago. Yesterday I spent all day with her in the emergency room.

This would normally be my mom's gig, but she's out of town, so I'm putting in some extra time. She can't do much for herself anymore, needs to be driven everywhere and an elbow to hang onto to walk, and gets really winded doing almost anything.

We went in yesterday because her heart-rate shot up and it freaked her out. I can be blunt because she's never going to see this (not internetty). Basically the hospital people were all very nice, and it turned out her heart was okay. She mistook the pressure in her chest caused by congestion to be a heart thing-- understandable considering she's in congestive heart failure.

But as they checked her over they'd kind of look at me like-- "and why are you guys here?" Basically, being 94 (or 5) and dying of heart failure isn't something you can fix. She's already said she doesn't want a bunch of tubes shoved into her etc. "If it comes to that, just let me go," she said.

But I guess if you or I were 94 (or 5) and someone tossed us in a river, our instinct would be to try to swim, even if we knew we were basically done for.

We had hours and hours to talk while we waited for the doctors etc to figure out if they were going to keep her or what. She told me she's so worn-out, has trouble feeling excited about anything anymore-- is just plain tired. She knows her time is about up, and I think feeling so drained is making her feel okay about that.

There is a 100% chance, she is going to die. There is a 100% chance, you, me and everyone we know is going to die--- and none of us, except maybe grandma, knows how long we have.

Basically, the wick is burning people. Not to put too fine a point on it, but whatever it is you've been thinking you'd like to do with your life or spend your time on, or check-out, or explore-- get the fuck on it.

Nothing we do here is all that important. Even if you are some brainiac working on the cure for some horrible disease, and manage to do that (scarlet fever, polio), there will always be another horrible disease to take its place (ALS, Alzheimer's). It's more about how you spend your time.

Are you spending it in a way that makes you feel fulfilled and awesome? Are you adding positive energy to the world rather than subtracting it? If so-- you are already doing it right. If not-- better get on that, because in a blink, it'll be over.

Sliding Party!

EDIT TO ADD: Hubs informs me we actually have 2 (!) kidding pools, so can therefore have pillow pit of awesomeness RACES! Check back here before heading out Sat, in case of cancellation due to nad-numbingly freezing cold. I'll post if it's ON or off, here, and on twitter and FB. :) Cheers!

Hey people. My posts will be a little off kilter until after the new year-- kind of a whatever whenever thing.

For anyone who thought I was kidding about going sliding-- IT IS ON. In case you forgot how fun sliding is-- check it out--



See? I'm still alive!
The sliding event of the century is happenin' next Sat-- Jan 2nd @ 2:00. (Post hangover recovery time) (About the time fresh air will be sounding really good) at Lion's Park in Elk River. (It's across from the high school, on the uber imaginatively named "school street". Not even kidding. That's what they named it.)

Just show up and look for the kitty hat and hopefully a bunch of rowdy adults, or, you know, just rowdy me with Dan good-naturedly putting up with me. :D

Also, we will be debuting the most awesome sled ever-- a kiddie pool full of pillows, for a group slide. It may only survive one run, so don't miss it.

Anonymous contribution:

Hey people. I know at the moment we're all SOOO glad all the running around and hub-bub is over. Someone sent me this excerpt from their holipalooza pre-Christmas shop-a-thon. I laughed my butt off. I think even if you don't know the person it's still pretty funny.

I went to Cub yesterday to do a little shopping and when checking out, was asked by two cute little local high school football players if I would allow them to pack my groceries. (You know how they do that to raise money? That kind of thing. They weren't just randomly chivalrous.)

So I said yes, and handed them my cloth bags that I always carry with me. As I paid for my food, I noticed them casting furtive glances my way and giggling. Thinking way more of myself than I should, I assumed they were commenting on my overall Courtney-Cox-Cougar-Hotness, as I did look exceptionally fine if I do say so myself. I gave them a big smile and said "thanks boys" in my very best Mae West voice, tossed a few bucks into their contribution bucket and sashayed out.

Got home and while unpacking my groceries, discovered at the bottom of my bag a random pair of CLEAN white cotton, Hanes, granny-panties left behind from my last overnight trip to [my daughter's] house in which I'd used the bag to transport my clothing.

I blushed like an Amish girl at a Ron Jeremy film festival. Holy mother of God! There is ALWAYS a price to pay when thinking highly of myself. Now I've gone and corrupted those poor, innocent young boys!!!

Thanks for the laugh Anon!

Palet Cleanser

Sometimes this time of year I get really negative, and have to remind myself how little I have to complain about.

I hope everyone has a chance to take a few deep breaths and enjoy whatever there is to enjoy and appreciate.

Sincerely- best wishes to all you guys.

From our family to yours...

Hey people. We were going to go down and donate a bunch of toys to needy children today, but then we heard they weren't putting people on t.v. anymore, so decided it wasn't worth it. Besides, lets face it, needy children are just fucking annoying. They're so... needy. I'm sick and tired of batting their little hands away from my biggie fries and stuff.

So anyway, now that I have all this extra time I thought I should get around to writing my annual holiday letter. Here goes.

This is Dan attempting to put up lights this year. We enjoyed the magicalness for about a half-hour, then lost interest and put them away.

Mike and Tootie are still "a thing", but we've talked to them about STD's etc and they've assured us they're being smart about it. What are you going to do? I'd rather have them doing that in the safety of our house than out on the streets somewhere.

Ray is still pursuing his dream of being the light-weight extreme fighting champion of the upper midwest. I know he'd correct me and say, "No-- of the world Ma!" I keep telling him not everyone can be special. Someone's got to make the widgets. He keeps trying though, bless his little furry behind.

Dan is continuing to find new uses for his beloved headlamp, and as you can see, still eats meat from time to time.

This one day I got really irritated with him and turned him into a frog, but I had to change him back to open this one jar...

As for me, Andrew bugged me again to join MGMT, but I turned him down. Creative differences.

I'm still doing the writing thing, but let me tell you-- it's tough. People are so picky about spellin' and stuff. I mean, come on, like they don't know what I mean... For those of you thinking, "Hmm, I wonder if she's gotten an agent yet-- or been published?" Um--- yes. Yes I have, it's just under a fake name. I'm officially too good for you now, so have fun admiring me from your position outside of my posse.
(What the hell-- like they'll ever know.)

Hmm, let's see. What else? Oh-- this one day I was attacked by a gator over at the trail. Just a flesh wound though.

And this other time a giant spider tried to take a shower with me. Both of us were horrified by what we saw. The spider particularly.

Oh-- We almost bought this sink dealie at Ikea a while ago, but didn't. Maybe next year!

Other than that things have been pretty routine. You know, hanging out with friends...

Dominating the bigwheel circuit...

Just a pretty normal year.

Happy holidays. Don't be too bummed about not being able to compete with all of our family's accomplishments. Give yourself a break-- I mean seriously-- who could?

Edit to add-- I don't know how I could have forgotten to tell you this, but we also replaced the heads on our Sonicare toothbrushes this year. (try not to be too envious) There is also this big story about how one time the lint trap on the dryer got really full, but, I guess I'll have to save that for another time. Cheers!

Some people do math in their head...

I've been riding in my head. Hey people. Behold the awesome T-shirt I picked-up for a song at Threadless T's. I thought it was perfect for commemorating my freshman year of mountain biking.

When I first began going over to the trail it was to run. I fell in love with the woods, and the fun swoopiness of the trail. I couldn't run on pavement because of a tibia fracture that seems like it's never going to be 100% healed (still hurts- bone pain the doc says may never really go away), so finding an off-road option was like someone handing me an oxygen mask.

Then I began seeing things over there, like this sign (and the occasional plastic bird, garden of car parts, fake severed limb), that indicated whoever this trail was all about, there was something different about them-- a bit edgy, a bit off. Then I began seeing riders. Most of the trail was difficult even on foot. I couldn't imagine taking a bike on it. They were nuts! And I loved watching them.

I hate running mid summer. Way too hot, and bugs come out. Blech. I'm usually riding my bike or kayaking then. So I didn't get back to the trail until it got cool again. Then on a run I stumbled- literally- onto a winter bike race.

Remember this post? This shot? I still couldn't imagine myself doing what they did, but seeing them made me want to do it, to wish I could do what they were doing. (I now know some of the guys from this and the other voyeuristic pics I took that day-- so cool!)

So as soon as the snow melted and the mud dried up me and Trusty Pam began poking around the edges a bit. The very first time we took our road bikes over there. We had fun fooling around on a small beginner section, enough to put ideas in our heads.

Here we are on about our second ride. I decided to borrow Dan's "mountain bike"-- which we soon found out was only kind of a fake mountain bike, but still, better than my hula bike. In what would become her trademark style-- Pam ended the ride caked with dirt and scraped-up from a spill. She has gotten way more dirty and bloodied-up doing this than me-- and she's still in. That's how fun it is!

After venturing over there on my own on Dan's bike for a while, which didn't seem to shift very well, and was too big for me, I decided to bite the bullet and get my very own mountain bike-- Penny.

Then it was on. I was over there almost every day this summer, lots of times by myself, and other times with Pam after work.

I had no idea what I was doing most of the time. I rode alone and tried to figure out how to ride by looking at Youtube. Lots of the trail scared the hell out of me. I made it a goal to try one scary new thing on each ride. Eventually, I stayed on the bike more than than I got off and walked, and things that were terrifying the first time I contemplated them became, if not routine, doable.

I made my goal of learning to do a wheelie by my birthday in June-- even though it was very small, and brief-- not the kind where you ride along with your wheel in the air like I wanted. This doesn't come naturally to me. I have to work really hard at it, and am still not very good. But I like it.

It's probably the funnest thing to come along for me in recent years. Hanging out in the woods, being all darey, getting to know the other nutballs over there, that high you get when you accomplish something new, even when it scares you... The combination is very addicting to me.

When I've been able to ride consistently, every day, the bike begins to feel very natural, like an extension of my body or something. I get faster, better. I'm competitive with myself, start timing my runs, racking up features. It's so challenging for me I hardly ever have a run where I'm successful at riding every feature on my possible list, and of course even when I break my own record for a lap I'm not satisfied, knowing to be really good I'd have to knock 10 or 15 minutes off my time. But weirdly that's one of the reasons I love it so much.

My ribs still hurt and my right leg is still a tiny bit numb from my huge crash in July (hopefully the biggest one I'll ever have), but even knowing falls and crashes are inevitable doesn't deter me. It's that fun-- and I'm by no means a giant hard ass. (If anyone want to try this-- contact me!)

Now that there is snow on the ground riding season is over for me. I'm considering trying winter riding, but conditions would make getting regular rides in impossible, even IF I could manage to do it without wiping-out every 10 feet. So for now I'm amusing myself with riding in my head.

I'm writing again-- a new project, and I'm making my main character-- a girl with a huge secret she's protecting, a mountain biker. Of course she's only 17, and much more daring, and a way better rider than me. It probably sounds weird to those of you who don't write, but I really can kind of live vicariously in my imagination though her, and ride in my head.

In my head I'm a super star of course!

I've been telling you for a while about my trail obsession. Is there anything you've been dying to try, or anything you've found lately that's really fun to do? What's your latest passion?

I've got my love to keep me warm

Hey people. I'm posting a little late today. Am kind of sick. Cooked pork loin for my grandma this morning because she likes that old school kind of food and nearly lost it all over the kitchen. Sorry. TMI to be sure.

Anyway, I'm hoping hubs and I will still catch "It's a wonderful life" -- our only Christmas tradition. I love this remix, and set to scenes from the movie-- it's a win.



Hey Twin Cities pals-- I totally want to have a sliding party soon. Who's in? I have a couple extra sleds or you can find them cheap at Target. You may think you're too old, but you'd be surprised how fun it still is, and you don't break as easily as you think-- trust me.

C'mon you guys! C'mon! (peer pressure & svengalli-like vibes at YOU)

How to seed a pomegranate, also a disgusting chicken & drag quenn PJ's

Hey people- Don't freak-out-- it gets weirder further down. For this edition of Weird Wed I decided to feature one of the weirdest (and one of my most favorite) fruits- the pomegranate. Most people shy away from them because they don't know how to get the seeds out. Here's a brief lesson you'll hopefully find helpful.

Begin by cutting the top off the fruit. The skin is kind of like an orange rind. The top is the end with the little stem on it. Cut far enough into it that you can see the segmented sections. The juice stains, so be aware this is a little messy at first.

Once you see where the sections are divided, cut through the skin, down the sides, trying to follow the divide. You want to only cut through the skin, not the fruit itself.

So when you're done it should look like this.

Now you can begin to tear sections away with your fingers. Try to be gentle. The object is to get as many intact seeds out as you can.

It takes a bit of patience, but once you get it "open", the seeds are removed rather easily. If any are sort of soft or discolored, discard those. When you're done you'll have lots of seeds, and lots of rind and other stuff you don't want to eat, peels etc. It takes about 15 minutes, but is SO yum.

They're really good on cereal, great in salads, or just to eat by themselves. I'm told they freeze pretty well, but I always wind-up eating them all so have never gotten that far. Remember they do stain though.

Okay, on to other weirdness. I don't know why we thought this was so funny. Dan was slightly horrified, but me and Kate laughed our butts off over this. They have them at Pier 1 if you need any stocking stuffers.



Below is another Target shopping find. Best as we could tell, they're gigantic drag queen footie pajamas. Sis is 5'9", so these would easily fit an NBA player. Scary.



Lastly, this is really just knee-weakeningly adorable more than weird, but I HAD to post it especially for my campadre and kitty fanatic Kris (yeah- she actually hates cats, but I'm convinced after seeing this everyone in the whole wide world will want at LEAST one.) Here ya go general public, enjoy the vibes of key-ootness--



Keeping it short and sweet today. Still haven't even unpacked yet! More fri. See Ya!

Yeeeee Hawwwww

Hey people. Welcome to South Texas. It's flat as fuck.

Seriously. It's flat literally as far as the eye can see- to the curvature of the Earth. And also pretty uninteresting, and usually super hot and windy, yet super humid too, and there are roving packs of vicious dogs because no one here ties them up, lots of wandering illegals (which I don't mind per-se, but when a bunch of shifty looking dudes are eyeing you from the edge of a sugar cane field in the middle of no where, it makes you nervous), and oh-- fire ants. Let's not forget the fire ants.

At my sister's place it's very nice. I stay in their "pool house", which is exactly what it sounds like, a whole little private guest house behind their pool, like in Hollywood or something.

It's like a little oasis.

Which is nice because everything outside the fence is just this--

You're probably thinking, "Why? Why in God's name would you ever go down there? Well, because mah seestah lives there, and that makes it worth the trip.

Plus there are her kids. Megan is 8 and growing more talented and mature every time I see her. She's a deep thinker, talks about "her real self, inside" etc. She's my girl. Jaden is a boy. They are wild animals. He is 5 & 1/2, but becoming tamer. He's going to be funny-- says stuff like, "Hello ladies, would anyone like to meet an astronaut??" Also- the boy likes to rock. We will become good friends when he is completely human.

Although at the moment he's still prone to doing stuff like this for extended periods of time--



It doesn't even seem to be designed specifically to drive us insane, it's just enjoyable for him on some level we may never understand. Boys = weird.

When I first got down there I got to stay at their lake house. Sis's hubs is kind of rich. This was the view from my guest room which is basically a penthouse. That's mist rising off the lake below.

Here's the view coming down the stairs from my room. Nice huh? It's in what is called the "hill country" down there because the ground there is lumpy and this is amazing to Texans. It's really quite pretty, different, more arid, but cool.

I could never make it down there (live). For one thing, I'm not rich, so couldn't create all these plushy interiors for myself, and there isn't much to do outside there, what with all the packs of dogs and fire ants and super hotness etc. Once I tried to go running and when I came home, after being chased by dogs along the bank of an irrigation ditch, and vaulting over a fire ant habitat, the guys working in her yard startled and began to scatter.

She later explained the only time anyone down there sees someone running is when they are being chased.

No matter how rich you are or how nice your house is, you still live here--- (note flatness, fast food chain, giant American flag, palm trees, and gaudy neon colored flocked Christmas trees. Katie felt this picture exemplifies S. Texas holiday magicalness. You can click for a better view of the flocked-up trees.)

Katie's life is WAY different than mine, and we are way different from each other. She's managed to find happiness here. I'd have become a pill-popping alcoholic psychopath a looonngg time ago. She even manages to see beauty in the desolation. This is a favorite tree of hers at their lake house. It IS prettier there, and this is a cool tree.

I made her pose like she was taking a nap in the tree. I really like how this picture came out. We are the same in the way that nature feeds our souls, and Katie's soul is often half-starved. I like seeing her peaceful, or laughing and having fun.

Which seems to happen a lot when we are together. Here we were at the "International House Of Pancakes." That's right-- International. You guys probably have heard of this but never been there. Yes, we're jet setters.

When we are together we can have fun sitting in a cardboard box. We make jokes out of everything and try to out-funny each other constantly. It would probably be hard for anyone else to be around us for long periods of time because we are giant dorks and think even the most boring stupid things are hilarious. Like riding in the car and singing along...



Yes, someone now has a video camera. :D

Another thing that entertained us for hours (remember-- we were in flat as fuck S. Texas, and it was raining and crappy out the entire time) was looking around in stores and pretend trying on clothes. For those who've never done this-- it's when you take the hanger and put it over your head so the outfit is hanging on the front of your body, over your normal clothes.

We'd do this and practice our super model walks. The general public was massively entertained by this too (you're welcome Target and Forever 21 and Dillards shoppers). Here's me laughing so hard I can't breath and showing off my underwear modeling skills in Target.



There may be a video at some point of our exploits to music if and when I figure that out. I had a great time but am happy to be home now, back with Dan and the kitties and hello----the outdoors (kisses the lovely frozen MN ground), and my pals.

See you Wed people.

You can act like you're not into it...

But hardly anyone can not shake their butt to this song.

Hey People. Many of you will be surprised by today's video pick considering my holly jolly Thanksgiving post, but there are some things that I do enjoy about the holidays, and this song, and this movie (Love Actually) are a couple of them. Kind of sappy for me-- but OMG-- how cute is that little kid drumming?



As I mentioned, I'll be down at Casa Katie for about a week, and I'm not sure what will be up with my posts while I'm gone. She doesn't have a wireless connection. Tomorrow (Fri) I'll be spending untold hours on planes and in airports, so you can probably check my Twitter feed to see how that's all going. I'll try to get some stuff up, but if I can't-- try-- TRY to hang in there. Be brave. It's only a week.

While I'm gone I'll be working on my annual Holiday letter, so you can look forward to that. Basically whenever me and sis are together, weirdness abounds, so... Who knows WHAT you'll see next.