Finding the edges

Fri Trusty Pam and I went over to the trail and dispelled the suck of my last ride. I'd actually not ridden for a whole week because of the bad mood it put me in. Dan was all ??? when I told him this. He really didn't get how wrecked that ride was for me-- more about that in a minute.

First, check out the evidence of Pam's- what?-- third trip over her bars? This time she managed to tumble down a hill with her bike toppling over top of her and tore off a brake cable in the process. This pic doesn't do the dirt she was caked in justice, and she always feels I downplay her exploits a bit, but let me just say- this chick takes harder falls than anyone I've ever known!

I have a new theory she's got some kind of extra strong gravitational pull or something. She goes down like a frigging box of rocks! I don't know what it is. Every time my back wheel comes up or whatever I always manage to get foot down. I guess I get more practice, and know Penny's ways pretty well by now.

Way to go on not quitting though TPam! She still, amazingly, thinks this is fun and continues to hang out with me despite all the snot bubbles and scuffs and damage to her person.

Maybe one of these days I'll make it through that trail without anyone in my party "dismounting." It felt really good to get over there with my pal and just ride Friday night though, and yell "Wee!" like dorks and laugh and have fun-- except for Pam's little dive that is. Poor Pam... (makes sad face for her)

Sat Dan and I had a playdate. We have this new togetherness push going on- more working together, but more playing too. So far it's working out pretty good. Some people have commented at being surprised we have to "work" at our relationship because it seems so perfect from the outside. Maybe that's why it looks like that-- because we do.

So anyway, this is how I spent a big block of time Sat. (Doesn't look much like work does it?) This is not my usual mode, but as I explained before, Dan has this weird ability to slow my flywheel down. Sometimes (this is bizarre I know, but like you didn't know I was strange) it literally feels like my sternum is going to crack open or something I feel so wound-up, like my heart is a bird trapped in a greenhouse or something. He can stop it by placing his hand on my chest and just pressing- I call it "the hand hug". There's something soothing about the compressed feeling. Yeah, I know, me = psycho.

We took the kayaks to Wm O'brien State Park on the St. Croix. I'd Highly recommend this to anyone-- they rent canoes and kayaks too. We paddled upstream, pulled off on a sandbar island and had a picnic, paddled up some more, then blew up these floaty things we brought with for lounging around on and tied the whole works together into a big mass and floated down. It was wonderful! The river is so clear there, and there are tons of places the bottom is all sandy and only knee or ankle deep.

Near the end I told him about how last time me and Pam had the yaks out we got into this demo derby with them, so of course we immediately started ramming each other and trying to do pit maneuvers- spinning each other and laughing our heads off.

It was gorgeous there.

I love this picture of Dan. He looks like he has good vibes emanating from him.

Our mountain biking dispute pointed out a basic difference in the wiring between guys and girls. Guys find the wall by lowering their heads and running at it dead on. When they get hurt they go, "Oh, there's the edge I guess." Girls find it mostly by toeing around out front cautiously, and working their way up to it-- or I do anyway. I used to be more reckless. I still love thrills and fun, but now actually care what happens to me and understand how eff'd I'll be if I get hurt really bad.

The other difference friends and I have discovered lately is that as we women get older (the ones I hang out with anyway) our lives tend to expand. With the kids grown and gone it's time for them again and they get out there, trying new things and reassessing their choices. Men's lives tend to shrink. There are exceptions, but guys don't tend to try many brand new things after 40, or make new friends etc.

Lately Dan's been having a bit of a stress-out about me and all my new kicks-- even as he tries to out-darey me himself-- claiming it has nothing to do with me-- he's just trying to find his own edges. I believe him too. But it's been a little wierd.

Dan has never been wild about changes. It took me forever to talk him out of wearing his little short "Magnum PI" style shorts and try the new longer, baggier style. (Happy to report he's now stylin') For a guy that doesn't like change to wind up with a girl with huge boredom issues that manifest in everything from adrenaline fixes to mood hair-- well-- it hasn't always been easy for him. (Back in the eighties he even disliked these super tall boots I got one time because they were "weird". What guy have you ever heard of who doesn't like thigh-high boots?)

The last few years have brought numerous changes, more than in the past. I think I'm getting more proactive about following my interests. Dan's had to roll with me getting heavier into the writing thing, tons more outdoor activities, the whole internet/social networking thing (part of finding a creative peer group and being in the writing world)- all things that take up some of my time and can make me less available to him. This bugs him sometimes, and led to our efforts to make sure our time together gets prioritzed higher.

Somehow between his stabilizing force and my ongoing campaign to bust the sides off the box we make it work. Every once in a while I have to remind him though, I'm always going to be like this, but it doesn't mean I'm trying to leave him behind. I just don't want my life to stop expanding. I don't want to miss anything. I'm trying to hedge my bets against regret. He can come along for whatever parts of the ride he wants-- just don't try to toss a rope over my head.

It's all a process- figuring out our own lives as individuals- in my case wanting mine to keep getting bigger and bigger, encompassing more- and still wanting to somehow keep our relationship central to it all. We'll figure it out eventually.