Hey people--
This is a little "putting it out there" for me, but I'm getting ready to start querying my novel. For we writery types this is akin to parading naked through a gauntlet of people with laser pointers helpfully indicating your areas for improvement.
I'd like to get some feedback on my pitch before I send it out . It's paranormal YA (I think-- This is kind of like deciding designer dog breed names-- puggle? labradoodle?) -- Anyway, it's edgy and aimed at mature teens to ??? 35? Who knows-- I know a ton of over forty-year-old's who read the Twilight series...
If anyone-- writers or readers, has any feedback, comments, suggestions -- I'd REALLY appreciate hearing from you. Thanks! Here goes:
Is there any such thing as an irredeemable act? What if your life could have mattered—but you blew your shot? Is it ever too late—even if you’re already dead?
When Dianna is dragged to a remote resort to hide-out with her famous, contentious, and lucky-to-be-alive mother-- recovering from being shot-- little does she know she’s in for the wildest, and possibly last—summer of her young life.
See, she’s got a few issues. She’s about to turn eighteen but really can’t imagine making it through another year. She sees ghosts she tries to ignore, but it only makes them more aggressive. She isn’t entirely sure she’s sane, is too terrified to let anyone know what’s going on, and is so sick of the Motel Hell her life has become, she’s already half checked-out.
The summer will be transformative for Dave too-- the sardonic, troubled, slacker she begins hanging out with. He’s got his own problems.
He’s convinced destiny has something bigger in store for him, if only he could gain some momentum. Whenever he emerges from one of the debilitating blackouts that have moored him of late, he can't shake the feeling he may have done something horrible. He’s right on both accounts, but his biggest problem is that he has no idea he’s dead-- or that just before his hasty exit, he’d impregnated his girlfriend—Dianna’s mom.
Dianna and Dave are determined to save each other as they tail-spin towards oblivion. The collision course destiny has set them on could spell redemption or disaster.
Fire nipples
2 days ago
4 comments:
Hey Sue! Your story sounds *awesome*! Take this with a gigantic grain of I-myself-have-tons-of-rejections-salt, but here are a couple suggestions:
-Take out the first line. This sounds way stronger by itself to me:
"What if your life could have mattered—but you blew your shot? Is it ever too late—even if you’re already dead?"
-I'm confused about what's going on in the 2nd paragraph. Who was shot? Dianna or her mom? Can you clarify? Also, you might mention she's 18 here right away to make it a more obvious YA.
-And you might have a little TMI about Dave. I def think you need a taste of him, and LOVE what it sounds like is going on, but maybe cut it down a little...I was kind of confused about him impregnating Dianna's mom. Maybe just say girlfriend? Or just leave that part out? IDK...but maybe try to tie Dianna & Dave together more like you do toward the end. Why do they need/want each other? How do their paths collide, etc? Bring it back to Diana.
But um yeah...chomp on my big grain o' salt!! Your story is intriguing and Query just needs a little tightening! I'd want more. :)
I can't say it better than Emily said it--the last few paragraphs need to be tied up and condensed, a little clarified, and a little delved into. You have a great introduction to characters, giving us a sense of them, in this query, but what needs to happen next is why they've come together, what's at stake, the goal, the obstacles. It sounds like an awfully intriguing book, I gots to say. Super edgy!!!
Cut the first graph. Well-known agents and editors loathe rhetorical questions in queries. (Some call RQs condescending.) Ditto the last graph--It reads like a "telling" and it clutters the truly hooky part of your query.
Who is the main focus of the story and the plot? Is this a multi-pov piece? I got a bit confused because both characters got equal airtime. Who is the story about? Focus entirely on them--write the query from their POV.
Even if Dave has his own POV, I'd write about him in the query from Dianna's POV. How does he relate to Dianna's story--cuz I'm guessing it's her story. Does Dianna know he's a ghost, for instance? So "she's already checked out." You could go on to say: "But when she starts hanging out with Dave, a sardonic slacker suffering from blackouts..." And then she finds out her mom is preggers, and that he's dead...and also, why is this an irredeemable act, maybe. That's rough, but you get what I'm saying.
IMO, the most effective queries are very plot-based because they showcase how the plot forces issues and reinforces change within the characters. It's the events and how they relate to the characters that makes books unique (such as Dave impregnating Dianna's mom and his being dead and how this makes problems for Dianna).
Sounds like a fun story. Good luck!
Emily - Courtney - Sex Scenes @Stbk's
Wow-- THANKS so much for all of your awesome input. I'm so glad to be forming a little writer community around myself and VERY MUCH appreciate your comments!
You've given me lots of good suggestions, and in reviewing my pitch I can see exactly what you guys are talking about. I think my "dave love" has clouded my query and I need to steer it back around to my MC and the plot.
Anyone else -- your input is more than welcome too. I've decided I'll probably keep playing with this for a few weeks and get the holidays out of the way before sending out. So keep them coming!
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