Whatever Europe. You freaks. (Except you Jen & Kerri. & Shawn. :) )The photo below was a reader submission from Karen. It's from a news story about a giant turtle orgy causing airport delays in Jamaica. Not so adorable now are they? And what's up with the numbers? Is this some kind of turtle speed dating gone wild?
Probably my favorite and most disturbing (by far) submission in a long time came in from Slagporter Kris-- who's every bit as weird as me-- more so actually. I kind of copied this right off the Cracked site, so it would be great if you'd all check out the link at the end of this preview to show them some love and alleviate my guilt.
I remember seeing that book he's talking about-- about the psycho stalker mom and the hopelessly screwed-up mommy boy manbaby. I'm pretty sure it was someone I know VERY well's hubs's bedtime story growing up (well, sort of growing up.) EWE is all I can say. EWE and laughing hysterically.
10 Great Books For (Traumatizing) Children
- By: Michael Swaim
- April 21st, 2009
- 416,909 views
Originally, I wanted to write this article because of a book read to me when I was a child called Love You Forever, about a mom who rocks her son to sleep every night of his life.
And I mean every night. When he’s middle aged, she drives to his house while he’s sleeping, climbs through his bedroom window with a ladder, picks him up and rocks him in her lap. I’m assuming he never marries, because, well, let’s not kid ourselves.
Then when his mom is old and bedridden, he returns the favor by rocking her in his lap and screaming “YOU MADE ME THIS WAY!” Sure, the message was one of a mother’s undying love, but as a child all I understood was “Mommy is a crazy stalker, and one day she’ll die.”
But even that macabre tale of parental breaking and entering was swiftly booted off the list by these 10 atrocities. Brace yourselves; we’re talking Giving Tree levels of disturbing here.
The Screwed Up-edness:
As all Westerners know, exactly one important thing happened in Hiroshima. And yes, this book for kindergartners is about that. According to the author, the book is based on a true account of a woman leading her child out of the A-Bomb’s blast radius while carrying her wounded husband on her back. According to the picture on the cover, it’s about women running topless through a sea of blood.
What Were They Thinking?
“Too long have the people of our country felt bewildered sorrow whenever they think of Hiroshima. We must help the new generation come to terms with an event that is, like it or not, a part of our history.”
What Kids Who Read It Think:
“Men from the sky can kill us, our friends and our family at any time. Also, fuck America.”
The Screwed Up-edness:
If you’re not already convinced this book was a terrible idea, try reciting the title at a cocktail party and see if you don’t get beat down. And while the book’s answer to the question is actually “we should ALL care about disabled people,” the people it considers “disabled” include fat kids, kids who huff paint, alcoholics, athletes and child prodigies (you know, because they’re so lonely). Maybe I’m not as tolerant as I could be, but the day I see a drunken, paint-huffing basketball prodigy park in a handicapped spot is the day I get arrested for vehicular manslaughter.
What Were They Thinking?
“If kids learn to see that everyone has their own unique imperfections, they will realize that intolerance harms us all.”
What Kids Who Read It Think:
“Great, I’m surrounded by cripples. And you can get high by huffing paint? Who knew? Me, now. Awesome.”
GO HERE to see the whole top ten list and probably ton of other funny stuff.
In other SueNews:
Ribs are still being an A-hole.
Have worked for three days on the face for my new sculpture and have just decided she has dude-chin and I'm super pissed and him/her. Major reconstructive surgery is scheduled for this morning. Absurd levels of profanity expected.
Am still crabby in case you can't tell. Was overheard by Dan saying, "Oh yeah?-- Eff you, world at large," which amused him greatly. I'm really not as hostile and vile as I'm making out. Just milking it a bit. Don't be frightened. ;) (Perhaps a bit perversely, this makes me feel better- making a big stink about nothing. Some people I know are going through absolute hell right now, serious shit. Whistling through the graveyard I guess, and feeling bad for them.)
Have still not heard from AgentCoolAssChicka, but I am way too busy to become a super famous author right now anyway, so am not all that concerned. Perhaps my aloof detachment to this whole sitch will lure her. That would be ironic huh?
Seeing some arty gal pals tonight. Will try to keep a lid on the profanity, and, you know, work harder at being a total delight to be around (like I usually am).
3 comments:
A lot of people are weird about the rain boots. Apparently, the innocent rain boots have become an item also worn by strippers. I don't really get how you would work them into the act(if you think about trying to take those off and look sexy) but when I wore them at work they attracted a lot of attention. Sue, you know where I work and it seems like it would be normal but some how it was way too sexy and I had to take them home and just wear them in the garden. (Yuckers to my co-workers)
Mindy--
As sexy as hopping around on one foot while trying to pull a boot off is (when I do it anyway), you're right. I still can't quite picture the rest of the "act."
That is TOO funny about your work! Once again your nuclear hottness is a hindrance rather than an asset. : / Try to deal girl.
This is so funny...it took me FOREVER to figure out what WTF meant.
And I had NOOOOOO idea about the boots!!!
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