Crazy In The Coconut

Hey people. Yesterday I had a meeting with a client for a new commission, nice people, cool project-- but because of rush hour traffic & construction, it took over three hours of driving to get me to and from my roughly eight minute meeting. During that time my brain was flickering through all its channels like some jittery A.D.D kid off their meds.

That's when this song came on the radio. I was stunned to find a song that's actually as random and disjointed as my brain lately, but here it is.



There's a lot of stuff changing right now. The writing that used to be so preoccupying I could barely focus on real life has been abruptly stripped away. It feels like a break-up. When I start writing again, I'm not sure what the story will be about, but everything will have changed. I can feel that much.

Words are still very important to me. I feel kind of lost right now, like after you've been sick, kind of weak or something, and it's feels very off to not have a bunch of characters and their stories chattering to me-- scenes constantly unfolding. Then I'll hear a snippet of a lyric like, "You can judge the whole world by the sparkle that you think it lacks. Yes, you can stare into the abyss but it's staring right back." and it's like a dog whistle. I snap to attention, and my heart tugs.

I don't feel like myself at all right now, well, not the me I've been the last couple years. I can only assume I'm being broken down a bit to shake things up. Maybe Sue2.0 is in the works or something. When I got back from vacation-- I couldn't even believe this myself-- for some stupid reason I was actually afraid to go ride Penny. (I know.) It took me a few days to get around to it. I told myself it was intuition and to just go with it, but I felt really super weird, and ashamed of myself too.

When I did finally ride, everything was fine, I hadn't lost too much ground aside from feeling really out of shape, and I had the same old big smile on my face when I was done, infused with energy. But I felt so vulnerable just before going, not my usual eager boldness.

These feelings, although hard to describe or explain, make me think there is room being made in my psyche for something. Maybe my creativity is being reshuffled. I don't know. I'm trying to hold on to the stuff I feel I do know, but be open to new changes.

Here's some stuff on my list:

I want to be a force for good- to spread the awesome. I like to help people find or express their own awesomeness.

I enjoy finding humor in life (lucky for me).

I sometimes wish I had a bigger tribe, and wonder if being kind of an oddball keeps people away. I can't really change that, and don't want to even try to become some homogenized version of myself though.

I've made creativity my life's work. That takes a lot of leaps of faith, but it's a great gift and makes things interesting.

I might change this blog. When I started it, it was to create an internet presence for my edgy young adult novel writing endeavors. Now-- who knows? It's become fun. I've met some cool people through it, but I don't know that it really has any mission beyond connecting with people and sharing my life, such as it is. I'm considering "Suelandia". Any thoughts on any of this? Any of you ever feel like this? -- or is it just more of my odd-ballishness?